Am I The Only One?

I’ve gotta be honest with y’all, March was a crazy month for me. It began with finding out that spiders are going to be falling from the sky this summer. Can you believe that???? After the Covid craziness, I thought there would be a period of normalcy, but nope, I was wrong. According to Smithsonian Magazine, large parachuting spiders that are the size of a human adult’s palm are going to be invading the East Coast in the coming months. There isn’t too much that scares me, but the truth is, my fear of spiders goes far beyond terrified. I can’t even begin to imagine what my life will look like when this happens because I have a completely paralyzing fear of these spooky little critters.

If that wasn’t bad enough, a couple weeks later, I was told by my dad that hammerhead worms are invading the southeastern part of the United States. Sure, this doesn’t sound too horrifying, but, get this, these things are over a foot long,  hard to kill, and they can harm our pets. In fact, if they’re cut in half, they can multiply up to ten times. WHAT??? Are you kidding me, flying spiders and worms that multiply? I kept thinking, I just can’t…That is all…I just can’t.

But, like all 70’s and 80’s girls, I channeled Gloria Gainor’s big 1970’s hit I Will Survive and began repeating in my mind, “At first I was Afraid, I was petrified…I will survive,” and I felt so much better…until…I went with my husband to see a new orthopedic doctor for an injury to his shoulder.

Upon arrival, he was provided with a stack of “new patient” forms, which he promptly handed to me to fill out while he played Candy Crush on his phone. After I entered the basic information of name, age, address, and date of birth, I came to two questions that I’d never seen before, and I’m betting you haven’t either: gender at birth and current gender. No, I’m not kidding. Even stranger were the choices they gave for responding:      “Male”, “Female” or “Indeterminate.” I was so taken aback by the absurdity of all this that I literally started giggling…then I started laughing…out loud…in the waiting room…and then the tears of laughter started to fall down my face, and people began looking at me as if I were someone from an alternate universe who didn’t know how to conduct herself in the waiting room of a doctor’s office. There I was, sitting with my husband who has a very painful shoulder injury, and the doctors are not only asking if he’s the same sex today as he was 56 years ago, but they want to know if his sex has been determined? Huh? I turned to my husband and asked him to look at the sheet. Of course, he told me to put a check next to “indeterminate,” which not only did I refuse to do, but now I was thankful that I was the one filling out the forms.

Slowly, we both looked around the room to see if we were on Candid Camera or if maybe we were being “punked.” I mean, this had to be a joke, right? When nobody jumped out from behind the curtains, we knew – these cats were serious about this question, and it dawned on me –  this really is the world in which we are now living. Oh my goodness.

Now, I’m sure you’re thinking this is completely absurd, and I was too, but it didn’t end there. When I went up to the desk to turn in my husband’s paperwork, where I clearly noted that he was a male at birth and is also one now, my mask was sitting just below my nose. The receptionist, who wasn’t wearing a mask, even though the sign at the entrance to the office said that EVERYONE was required to wear one, told me that I had to pull the mask up above my nose. Thinking this was a bit of a double standard, I asked her why she didn’t have one on, and she replied, “I don’t have to wear one because I’m not around patients.” That’s right, folks, the receptionist at the doctor’s office said she wasn’t around patients…I’ll just leave that there for you.

     As we drove home, I found myself thinking of Aaron Lewis’s song, “Am I the Only One,” where Lewis is pondering whether he’s the only one who is fed up with the state of the country right now. In this song, he addresses the burning of American Flags, the news media, soldiers dying in combat, and so much more. In short, it’s an anthem of frustration for those of us who believe our country is headed in the wrong direction, and for the most part, it is.